Unfortunately I haven't made the leap yet eventhough it is ALL I can think about. I have been thinking about making the leap for years now but lately it's on my mind 24/7 now. I have become so bitter and angry. I feel angry all the time. It feels terrible. Since I don't drink anymore I have been trying to feel better by eating sugar and carbs. I have put on 10 lbs in the last 2 years and feel crappier and crappier.
I am angry at America. I am angry at the politicians, the corporations, the people who put the politicians into office who have designed such an unfair, horrendous system of wage slaves. Most of us have no other choice then to be a slave to a job so that we can eat and have shelter.
However, I am mostly angry with myself for being so afraid. I want to quit my wage slave job more than anything in the world but am just too afraid. I have been doing everything I can to build up the courage. I have worked with two business coaches, spoken to everyone I care about ad nauseum and just can't seem to do it. Grrrrrrrrrrrr
Counting the Days
This short post was written 2 years ago but not published for some reason. Decided to publish now. I am still in such deep despair and can't think of anything but getting out of corporate hell.
How very sad to be counting the days until retirement at age 44. Not to mention that I have already been counting them for years and years. Each and every day is a reminder that I am not free and if I don't do something drastic won't be for the next 20 plus years. My heart wrenches each morning when I walk out the front door of my home away from all that I love to trek 40 miles to a place I detest to do work that I have so far outgrown that it is literally painful to do. Fortunately I do not spend a great deal of time doing it, but a minute is too long as far as I am concerned.
I received a message from a client yesterday that drove the point home once again. She retired this past Friday, and said that she is and I quote, "loving it already, I AM FINALLY A FREE WOMAN." I can't stop thinking about this profound statement. I find it so tragic that this poor woman spent the majority of her life feeling imprisoned. Of course I can relate, hence this blog, and all the other steps I am taking to prevent this from happening to me and hopefully to end up helping others to prevent it from happening to them.
How very sad to be counting the days until retirement at age 44. Not to mention that I have already been counting them for years and years. Each and every day is a reminder that I am not free and if I don't do something drastic won't be for the next 20 plus years. My heart wrenches each morning when I walk out the front door of my home away from all that I love to trek 40 miles to a place I detest to do work that I have so far outgrown that it is literally painful to do. Fortunately I do not spend a great deal of time doing it, but a minute is too long as far as I am concerned.
I received a message from a client yesterday that drove the point home once again. She retired this past Friday, and said that she is and I quote, "loving it already, I AM FINALLY A FREE WOMAN." I can't stop thinking about this profound statement. I find it so tragic that this poor woman spent the majority of her life feeling imprisoned. Of course I can relate, hence this blog, and all the other steps I am taking to prevent this from happening to me and hopefully to end up helping others to prevent it from happening to them.
It Is Almost Time
Tomorrow will be the end of seven weeks at the new "9-5" and it is already unbearable. Again due to two specific reasons, the unpleasant commute and one unstable co-worker. It started out that way at the other job as well. One disturbed co-worker took a disliking to me and had it out for me. She did everything in her power to ruin me and caused me nothing but aggravation for years and I was never able to fully recover at that job because of it. Now, once again, a woman here has apparently taken a disliking to me. I know what you are thinking, what is wrong with me that I keep making enemies at my workplaces. Interestingly enough it is because I won't allow others to control me and for some reason some women feel threatened by me and honestly by no fault of my own. I go out of my way to be kind and helpful to all my co-workers. I always have and have develped many great relationships over the years.
Maybe this is a blessing in disguise? It may be just what I need to force me to take the leap. At the other job there were dozens of people at the office so having a couple of people treat me poorly wasn't the end of the world. This office doesn't even have one dozen. This makes me feel very uncomfortable to be treated poorly by a co-worker. Of course my friends and family will say ignore her, don't let it get to you, but that isn't my personality. If someone is treating me poorly it makes me very uncomfortable and quite honestly I am just extremely tired of feeling uncomfortable for big chunks of my life.
Life is too damn short to spend it unhappy and uncomfortable. Ironically it was this woman that helped me to get the job here. Rather then torture myself and stay here and be uncomfortable if she doesn't change her attitude and treatment of me by mid-next week I am going to resign. If I am smart this is what I will hope for. Because even though my business is still not making enough money to support me I am pretty confident that within a year it will be, that is if I am able to put the time in which I haven't been able too up until now. Only half ass time which then equals a half ass business.
I changed my hours from 9-5 to 10-6 today to avoid traffic. That is what pissed the broad off eventhough it was agreed upon before I started. When will people learn to stop trying to control other people. It is a losing battle. I learned that the difficult way. Trying to control situations. I broke off more relationships with people because I couldn't control them. Basically that is what was just done to me so I do understand it. But I don't have to tolerate it. I mean come on, grow the fuck up. What is wrong with people?
Maybe this is a blessing in disguise? It may be just what I need to force me to take the leap. At the other job there were dozens of people at the office so having a couple of people treat me poorly wasn't the end of the world. This office doesn't even have one dozen. This makes me feel very uncomfortable to be treated poorly by a co-worker. Of course my friends and family will say ignore her, don't let it get to you, but that isn't my personality. If someone is treating me poorly it makes me very uncomfortable and quite honestly I am just extremely tired of feeling uncomfortable for big chunks of my life.
Life is too damn short to spend it unhappy and uncomfortable. Ironically it was this woman that helped me to get the job here. Rather then torture myself and stay here and be uncomfortable if she doesn't change her attitude and treatment of me by mid-next week I am going to resign. If I am smart this is what I will hope for. Because even though my business is still not making enough money to support me I am pretty confident that within a year it will be, that is if I am able to put the time in which I haven't been able too up until now. Only half ass time which then equals a half ass business.
I changed my hours from 9-5 to 10-6 today to avoid traffic. That is what pissed the broad off eventhough it was agreed upon before I started. When will people learn to stop trying to control other people. It is a losing battle. I learned that the difficult way. Trying to control situations. I broke off more relationships with people because I couldn't control them. Basically that is what was just done to me so I do understand it. But I don't have to tolerate it. I mean come on, grow the fuck up. What is wrong with people?
A Different Corporation but Still Not For Me
It has been quite some time since I have posted. I have been working on my small business trying to grow it while in the midst of switching corporate jobs. Health insurance and fear of the unknown still keep me tethered to a corporate prison but not for much longer.
In all honesty, breaking free of the 12.2 year prison of the one corporation has done wonders for my confidence. Now that I am at another company I realize that it isn't that difficult to find a "9-5" job so my fear has dissipated quite a bit. I had a little hope that this corporation might feel better than the last because the commute is 20 minutes less each way, but it does not. Same hell, different location. I now realize I am just not someone who will be happy beating to someone else's drum. It is just not me. I need to beat to my own drum and am going to do that very very soon.
It has taken me 3 years on this particular business to be at a point where I ALMOST feel confident enough to walk from my corporate prison, and if I did not have to consider health insurance I would be gone already, but unfortunately I do have to consider health insurance and therefore am going to try to push off walking for as many months as I possibly can with a deadline of March 2014. I don't have much hope that I will be able to wait that long but I am going to try.
I am hoping by then that this country will have available affordable health insurance policies for its entrepreneurs. We shall see.
In the interim, I will hang in there, and I hope all of you who are in the same boat and suffering as deeply as I am are also planning your escapes. Because I now know, which I did not 5 years ago that there are escape avenues available to those of us who were taught to believe that the only path to success was the "9-5" grind. Wow was that a big fat lie and I am glad it was because I cannot imagine spending another 20 years like this. Death would be a relief if that was the case.
May the force be with you as you plan and implement your own escape routes.
In all honesty, breaking free of the 12.2 year prison of the one corporation has done wonders for my confidence. Now that I am at another company I realize that it isn't that difficult to find a "9-5" job so my fear has dissipated quite a bit. I had a little hope that this corporation might feel better than the last because the commute is 20 minutes less each way, but it does not. Same hell, different location. I now realize I am just not someone who will be happy beating to someone else's drum. It is just not me. I need to beat to my own drum and am going to do that very very soon.
It has taken me 3 years on this particular business to be at a point where I ALMOST feel confident enough to walk from my corporate prison, and if I did not have to consider health insurance I would be gone already, but unfortunately I do have to consider health insurance and therefore am going to try to push off walking for as many months as I possibly can with a deadline of March 2014. I don't have much hope that I will be able to wait that long but I am going to try.
I am hoping by then that this country will have available affordable health insurance policies for its entrepreneurs. We shall see.
In the interim, I will hang in there, and I hope all of you who are in the same boat and suffering as deeply as I am are also planning your escapes. Because I now know, which I did not 5 years ago that there are escape avenues available to those of us who were taught to believe that the only path to success was the "9-5" grind. Wow was that a big fat lie and I am glad it was because I cannot imagine spending another 20 years like this. Death would be a relief if that was the case.
May the force be with you as you plan and implement your own escape routes.
How Much Longer Until Freedom
How Much Longer Until Freedom
This is the thought that consumes me 24/7. It's the driving force of my existence and the main goal of my life. Each and every day as I go through the same grind I see those that are free. As I am rushing to get ready in the morning, and rushing my dog to go to the bathroom while wearing my uncomfortable work clothes, I see so many who are walking their dogs leisurely through the community where I live, or enjoying a peaceful, leisurely breakfast on their balcony, some are enjoying their coffee while reading a book still in their pajamas and the feeling of envy that goes through me is enough to suffocate me. It hurts so much and is so very frustrating. My entire being aches to be free. It's all I can think about. Of course I do manage to function each day, although not easy. It takes so much energy to do anything. All I want to do is hang with my pets at home and read and write and relax and exercise and eat healthy and enjoy each and every moment of my life.
I don't want to sit and stare at a computer screen all day every day day in and day out while surrounded by unethical, dishonest, self absorbed people. It is truly torturous. 10 years and 7 months I have been here. It's hard to believe I have been unhappy and dissatisfied for such a long time. It depresses me when I think how much of my life is being wasted here. Luckily I have been able to spend large chunks of time on other ventures, but the bottom line is I am not free and until I am I won't be truly content.
This is the thought that consumes me 24/7. It's the driving force of my existence and the main goal of my life. Each and every day as I go through the same grind I see those that are free. As I am rushing to get ready in the morning, and rushing my dog to go to the bathroom while wearing my uncomfortable work clothes, I see so many who are walking their dogs leisurely through the community where I live, or enjoying a peaceful, leisurely breakfast on their balcony, some are enjoying their coffee while reading a book still in their pajamas and the feeling of envy that goes through me is enough to suffocate me. It hurts so much and is so very frustrating. My entire being aches to be free. It's all I can think about. Of course I do manage to function each day, although not easy. It takes so much energy to do anything. All I want to do is hang with my pets at home and read and write and relax and exercise and eat healthy and enjoy each and every moment of my life.
I don't want to sit and stare at a computer screen all day every day day in and day out while surrounded by unethical, dishonest, self absorbed people. It is truly torturous. 10 years and 7 months I have been here. It's hard to believe I have been unhappy and dissatisfied for such a long time. It depresses me when I think how much of my life is being wasted here. Luckily I have been able to spend large chunks of time on other ventures, but the bottom line is I am not free and until I am I won't be truly content.
A Ray of Light
A Ray of Light
A ray of light has shown through the darkness of the hell I’ve been in the past 10 years. That ray of light being the willingness of several people close to me in positions of power to attempt to free me from this corporate prison I have brought upon myself. If all goes the way I hope and pray I will only be in this prison for several more months at the most. Granted I will be substituting one job for another, however the difference should be enormous. I will be leaving a private corporation for the public sector. I will be leaving a department and company that values and rewards unethical and immoral behavior. I will be leaving a company that discriminates against women and other minorities and that values white men over all others. I will be joining the public sector which although far from perfect is light years superior to the lack of power and recourse one has in the private sector, which I not only find morally repugnant but unbearable on so many levels.
There are many desirable departments in my county that I feel I could make a difference. Take the Office of Women’s Services for example. I would feel honored to work for the benefit of the women in my community, which includes not only me but my mother, my sister, my niece, other family members, countless friends and acquaintances and all other women. What could be more rewarding? Also there is the office for the Aging, the office for Handicapped Services, Minority Affairs, Stop-DWI, Veterans Services, Youth Bureau, Division of Cancer Awareness, etc. etc.
I must admit reviewing the list of services that my local government provides to my community makes me feel proud and fortunate. I didn’t realize how many wonderful services were available. What a difference it will be to be working for the greater good of my community as opposed to the bottom line wealth of one overly rich family who doesn’t even live in my community. It will be such a relief and joy.
Of course I haven’t been offered a position yet so nothing is definite but I have high hopes. I feel that I am more than qualified and completely ready at this juncture of my life for a position in which I can finally make a difference. Not to mention leaving behind the immature, unethical, immoral actions of the people that I am subjected to at this Godforsaken company.
I will admit that I have learned a great deal at this hell hole. Unfortunately this knowledge has come at quite a great price, the price of my happiness for over a decade now. I have been subjected to discrimination, hostility and blatant degradation. Because I believe that everything happens for a reason I must also believe that I have been subjected to this abuse for a reason and I believe that reason was awareness. I had no idea what was taking place in private corporations. I was extremely naïve. Now that I not only am aware but have experienced these injustices myself I am hopeful that at some point I will be in a position to not only shed light but to hopefully put an end to this exploitative, illegal policies.
My goal is to make a positive difference wherever I go. I would love to go into my new government job and institute new 21st century, innovative policies in order to improve the lives not only of me and my coworkers, but society at large.
I realize these are lofty goals but I am dead serious about them and feel that I am ready for the job.
A ray of light has shown through the darkness of the hell I’ve been in the past 10 years. That ray of light being the willingness of several people close to me in positions of power to attempt to free me from this corporate prison I have brought upon myself. If all goes the way I hope and pray I will only be in this prison for several more months at the most. Granted I will be substituting one job for another, however the difference should be enormous. I will be leaving a private corporation for the public sector. I will be leaving a department and company that values and rewards unethical and immoral behavior. I will be leaving a company that discriminates against women and other minorities and that values white men over all others. I will be joining the public sector which although far from perfect is light years superior to the lack of power and recourse one has in the private sector, which I not only find morally repugnant but unbearable on so many levels.
There are many desirable departments in my county that I feel I could make a difference. Take the Office of Women’s Services for example. I would feel honored to work for the benefit of the women in my community, which includes not only me but my mother, my sister, my niece, other family members, countless friends and acquaintances and all other women. What could be more rewarding? Also there is the office for the Aging, the office for Handicapped Services, Minority Affairs, Stop-DWI, Veterans Services, Youth Bureau, Division of Cancer Awareness, etc. etc.
I must admit reviewing the list of services that my local government provides to my community makes me feel proud and fortunate. I didn’t realize how many wonderful services were available. What a difference it will be to be working for the greater good of my community as opposed to the bottom line wealth of one overly rich family who doesn’t even live in my community. It will be such a relief and joy.
Of course I haven’t been offered a position yet so nothing is definite but I have high hopes. I feel that I am more than qualified and completely ready at this juncture of my life for a position in which I can finally make a difference. Not to mention leaving behind the immature, unethical, immoral actions of the people that I am subjected to at this Godforsaken company.
I will admit that I have learned a great deal at this hell hole. Unfortunately this knowledge has come at quite a great price, the price of my happiness for over a decade now. I have been subjected to discrimination, hostility and blatant degradation. Because I believe that everything happens for a reason I must also believe that I have been subjected to this abuse for a reason and I believe that reason was awareness. I had no idea what was taking place in private corporations. I was extremely naïve. Now that I not only am aware but have experienced these injustices myself I am hopeful that at some point I will be in a position to not only shed light but to hopefully put an end to this exploitative, illegal policies.
My goal is to make a positive difference wherever I go. I would love to go into my new government job and institute new 21st century, innovative policies in order to improve the lives not only of me and my coworkers, but society at large.
I realize these are lofty goals but I am dead serious about them and feel that I am ready for the job.
Denial of Own Integrity
Denial of Own Integrity
With each passing day it gets more and more difficult to deny my own integrity by forcing myself to show up and do work for a company I morally and ethically oppose, a company that is immoral, unjust, unethical and discriminatory and which I find both physically and emotionally repugnant. Of course I am extremely angry with myself for getting into and staying in this situation for as long as I have, JUST for a paycheck and although I have been taking steps the last several years to free myself of this hell and am confident that I will be free of it eventually each and every day stuck here is excruciatingly painful.
This company and my position within it are demoralizing and demeaning. Of course I rail against both constantly which all the employees at my level face but it is not easy. It is exhausting and most days by the time I leave here I am so spent from the combination of resisting the demoralization and degradation that I confront day after day, week after week, month after month, etc. that I don't have energy for the few hours of freedom that I do have in the evenings. It's heartbreaking and makes me feel sad and depressed confronting those harsh facts, especially when I consider how many human beings in this country and in the world are forced to confront similar and in many cases much worse conditions. I feel physically ill when I think about it which is on a daily basis.
I am gradually building my business, but it is going quite slow. I opened it almost 8 months ago and at the end of next month will only have 5 daily clients. I will have a total of approximately 30 clients that use our service intermittently, which is quite promising but it looks like it will be several more years before I will be able to leave this prison.
I do feel grateful that I am creating an out, but in the interim my spirit is being crushed on a daily basis. It's very painful and all encompassing. I've been contemplating writing a book for almost 15 years now and have started writing many times but it never goes anywhere. Once again I plan on carving out some time each day, preferably in the morning where I can spend several hours writing from my prison cell. The problem seems to be that this environment is not conducive to inspiration, at least not in the positive sense. I feel inspired constantly to GET OUT OF HERE and to RAIL AGAINST THE unethical, immoral, backwards policies that are continuously being implemented, policies that are against us and our rights.
My hope is that if I can be successful at escaping this hell on earth that I will be able to assist others in escaping their respective hells, or at the very least changing the conditions to make them more fair and kind to the people stuck there. It is not right for so many to be forced to suffer their lives away in order to be able to feed and house themselves and their families.
Something must be done.
With each passing day it gets more and more difficult to deny my own integrity by forcing myself to show up and do work for a company I morally and ethically oppose, a company that is immoral, unjust, unethical and discriminatory and which I find both physically and emotionally repugnant. Of course I am extremely angry with myself for getting into and staying in this situation for as long as I have, JUST for a paycheck and although I have been taking steps the last several years to free myself of this hell and am confident that I will be free of it eventually each and every day stuck here is excruciatingly painful.
This company and my position within it are demoralizing and demeaning. Of course I rail against both constantly which all the employees at my level face but it is not easy. It is exhausting and most days by the time I leave here I am so spent from the combination of resisting the demoralization and degradation that I confront day after day, week after week, month after month, etc. that I don't have energy for the few hours of freedom that I do have in the evenings. It's heartbreaking and makes me feel sad and depressed confronting those harsh facts, especially when I consider how many human beings in this country and in the world are forced to confront similar and in many cases much worse conditions. I feel physically ill when I think about it which is on a daily basis.
I am gradually building my business, but it is going quite slow. I opened it almost 8 months ago and at the end of next month will only have 5 daily clients. I will have a total of approximately 30 clients that use our service intermittently, which is quite promising but it looks like it will be several more years before I will be able to leave this prison.
I do feel grateful that I am creating an out, but in the interim my spirit is being crushed on a daily basis. It's very painful and all encompassing. I've been contemplating writing a book for almost 15 years now and have started writing many times but it never goes anywhere. Once again I plan on carving out some time each day, preferably in the morning where I can spend several hours writing from my prison cell. The problem seems to be that this environment is not conducive to inspiration, at least not in the positive sense. I feel inspired constantly to GET OUT OF HERE and to RAIL AGAINST THE unethical, immoral, backwards policies that are continuously being implemented, policies that are against us and our rights.
My hope is that if I can be successful at escaping this hell on earth that I will be able to assist others in escaping their respective hells, or at the very least changing the conditions to make them more fair and kind to the people stuck there. It is not right for so many to be forced to suffer their lives away in order to be able to feed and house themselves and their families.
Something must be done.
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