Denial of Own Integrity

Denial of Own Integrity

With each passing day it gets more and more difficult to deny my own integrity by forcing myself to show up and do work for a company I morally and ethically oppose, a company that is immoral, unjust, unethical and discriminatory and which I find both physically and emotionally repugnant. Of course I am extremely angry with myself for getting into and staying in this situation for as long as I have, JUST for a paycheck and although I have been taking steps the last several years to free myself of this hell and am confident that I will be free of it eventually each and every day stuck here is excruciatingly painful.

This company and my position within it are demoralizing and demeaning. Of course I rail against both constantly which all the employees at my level face but it is not easy. It is exhausting and most days by the time I leave here I am so spent from the combination of resisting the demoralization and degradation that I confront day after day, week after week, month after month, etc. that I don't have energy for the few hours of freedom that I do have in the evenings. It's heartbreaking and makes me feel sad and depressed confronting those harsh facts, especially when I consider how many human beings in this country and in the world are forced to confront similar and in many cases much worse conditions. I feel physically ill when I think about it which is on a daily basis.

I am gradually building my business, but it is going quite slow. I opened it almost 8 months ago and at the end of next month will only have 5 daily clients. I will have a total of approximately 30 clients that use our service intermittently, which is quite promising but it looks like it will be several more years before I will be able to leave this prison.

I do feel grateful that I am creating an out, but in the interim my spirit is being crushed on a daily basis. It's very painful and all encompassing. I've been contemplating writing a book for almost 15 years now and have started writing many times but it never goes anywhere. Once again I plan on carving out some time each day, preferably in the morning where I can spend several hours writing from my prison cell. The problem seems to be that this environment is not conducive to inspiration, at least not in the positive sense. I feel inspired constantly to GET OUT OF HERE and to RAIL AGAINST THE unethical, immoral, backwards policies that are continuously being implemented, policies that are against us and our rights.

My hope is that if I can be successful at escaping this hell on earth that I will be able to assist others in escaping their respective hells, or at the very least changing the conditions to make them more fair and kind to the people stuck there. It is not right for so many to be forced to suffer their lives away in order to be able to feed and house themselves and their families.

Something must be done.